Of frozen prawns, fake orgasms and the Dalai Lama

This week we celebrated the Swedish National Day which is also the Day of the Pickled Herring. After 500 years the Swedes have not really defined themselves as a nation and have not learned how to commemorate nationality. These things take time and can not be speeded up by anything except maybe a war or a mass murder. The last war was 200 years ago and the last mass murder happened recently but in the country next door. One can correctly assume that the Swedes are a peace loving nation, and so was my third husband.

We met on a skiing holiday in Switzerland and when I watched him through the bottom of a bottle of red wine I liked what I saw.

When it was time for my 40th birthday I decided to soften the blow by majestically sweeping down the aisle in a white dress. Writing about my third wedding reminded me of an old joke.What is the difference between a Jewish woman and and an Afrikaans woman? A Jewish woman wears real jewellery and has fake orgasms. The dress and a lot of fake silver jewellery was bought at an Indian shop in down town Pietermaritzburg.

After a while the birthday and the white dress was forgotten and the marriage and the silver jewellery began to tarnish. I was getting really bored. Husband number three never talked and never showed emotion. Being married to him was like seeing a movie without the sound track.

I would be met with the same response whether I asked him to pass the salt or whether I told him that the man next door had just killed his wife and that her blood was running into my gin and tonic.

His facial expressions would vary from that of a frozen prawn to that of a frozen prawn. Albeit an attractive frozen prawn.

I never felt special because he would treat everybody the same. No difference if you were to be the taxi driver, the cashier, the next door neighbour, his mother, the Dalai Lama, a beggar on the street, the cleaning lady, the pope or me. This would work excellently if you were Jesus or Mother Theresa but not in a marriage to an attention seeking creature like me.

I asked for a divorce and he said nothing.

Now I need something to soften the blow of my looming 50th birthday. I don't know what I will do yet but I do know that herrings are not happy on national day.