Of pigs, parasites and plastic bags

‘Men at a conference will fuck anything, even a pig’. This is not the famous words of Oscar Wilde, but a rather typical statement of my second ex-husband. That could be one of the reasons why he has that title.

Scientists tells us that philandering is wired into our genes. It is a natural force in all living species. Even pigs. There is only one monogamous species, which is a parasite in fish intestines called Diplozoon Paradoxum. The reason why they stay together is because the male and female fuse together during adolescence and have to stay like that until death do them part.

My second marriage started at the Perseverance Tavern in Cape Town, ten years and more than ten boyfriends after the first one. This time it was a 1.97cm sexy blonde Swede. It was not long before I walked down the aisle again. We didn’t have money for a church organist so my sister carried a musical wedding card with an electronic version of Wagner's wedding march behind us. The priest was not impressed but he realised that this wasn’t the royal wedding and a few minutes later the new bride was kissed.

Ten months later and heavily pregnant the alliance bought me to Sweden where the big adventure and big nightmare of life as an ex pat on a freezing sub-continent started. By now the 1.97m Swede had lost most of his sex appeal. Money issues were dire.

When the first birth pains started, the proud grandfather to be gave us 100 Swedish Kronor for a taxi fare home. A child was born. The 1.97cm Swede thought it was a much better idea to use the 100 Swedish Kronor for alcoholic beverages. It was in the middle of the summer and maybe he was thirsty. Prams were also not a part of his beliefs. Thus the baby was carried home by bus in a plastic Pep Stores bag (systembolagspåse). Needless to say, the new mother was not too impressed. Not long afterwards I found myself single again.

The past week I spent at our annual Nordic MRI conference and as usual I looked around for telltales of extracurricular activities and pigs. Of the former there were plenty. But pigs? Only bacon on the breakfast buffet. The salami were hidden.